adoption faith Honeybee reflections TPR

Of Fear and False Evidence

Fear is NOTHING but False Evidence Appearing Real…
     So, I just so happened to look at the calendar today and realized the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) court date is rapidly approaching for our Honeybee.  Immediately, my heart did one of those flips that I didn’t appreciate.  I am certainly not a fan of those.  To me, they mean nervousness or fear.   I have to say while I am not a fan of the heart flops, I am a fan of what came to my mind a half second later.  Several months ago, our pastor preached a sermon on Fear.  He used an acronym to remind us that Fear is simply False Evidence Appearing Real.  We see a situation that looks like it has the potential to destroy our dreams, our desires, and/or US and suddenly there is a panic.  We don’t mean to panic, most of the time.  It’s a human reaction.  It’s our flesh.  But in those times, we must remind ourselves that God has charged us to “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the one who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6 (NKJV)”. These events and situations come as no surprise to God and He has already made provision for an outcome that is to His glory and for our good.  Psalm 56:3-4 reminds me that “When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me? (Psalm 56: 3-4NIV)  The Word of God is absolutely correct.  There are a lot of uncomfortable and undesirable things that can happen in our journey to become Honeybee’s adoptive parents, but even in those occurrences, I truly believe that God is walking with us and will not allow us to fail.
     After I had my moment of “FEAR” and watched it be chased away almost as rapidly, I took another look at the impending date.  On one hand, I am pleased to see the TPR date approaching.  If all goes as expected, we will be one step closer to finalization and our little girl becoming a member or our family forever.  On the other than, I am filled with great compassion for what I know could possibly be the reaction of Honeybee as she grows older.  I was raised by a great-grandmother several states away from my mother and father, who were not together.  I know very well the ache of self-identity as I tried to wrap my head around why it appeared I wasn’t wanted, why there was no father in my life, why my mother’s hugs and kisses were not my constant companion.  I know very well asking what my birth father looked like and being told to look into a mirror.  I also remember very well standing in front of the same mirror and trying to see him within me.  
     I feel so much compassion for those conversations with our Honeybee.  I don’t ever want her to feel some of the emotions that I felt and with the upcoming TPR, I will want her to understand that in this process there have always been a host of people who love her, pray for her, and want her.  But explaining that to her could be heartbreaking as she is older, because I don’t believe any child ever wants to hear they were loved so much they were allowed to be loved by someone else in another home, in another location.  I know how she feels.  I do.  That was my journey.  It ended well for me and I pray the same for her.  There is still another side that remains.  I feel such love, adoration, and respect for Honeybee’ s birth mommy.  This woman truly loves Honeybee.  She does.  She wants to make sure that her Honeybee’s life is full of love and life.  She wants her to have wonderful memories and experiences.  I can’t imagine what she goes through day to day thinking and knowing her daughter is being loved and raised elsewhere, but knowing that the decision is so selfless that it’s sacrifice alone signifies the totality of her love for her babe.  I love her birth mommy so much never having even laid eyes on her.  My prayer is when she sees the documentation announcing the TPR, she knows that we are indeed praying for her and covering her with our love.
     Regardless, we are indeed approaching a milestone in the adoption process for our Honeybee.  With this one event, the momentum of the process will kick start and we will experience an entirely new portion of the adoption puzzle.  I’m looking forward to placing the pieces.


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