I have been sitting in front of this computer for no less than 20 minutes trying to put my thoughts onto the computer screen. There is so much I want to say and so much caution that I feel before sharing any of it.
Earlier today, I sat down with my daughter in my arms and held her as she smiled and gave me kisses. I was about to put her down for a nap when we passed by FatherWinter on the stairwell. She reached for him, practically leaped from my arms, and went to her father excitedly. I watched the moment with a smile on my face and chose to delay her nap for a few minutes. I knew she and FatherWinter needed this time and I’d already basked in mine.
Though FatherWinter has not shared his thoughts with me, I know that the thought has crossed his mind and heart quite a few times this weekend that this could be the last weekend we get to hold our Honeybee. It’s a heart-wrenching and frustrating place to be to be certain. Loving your child with so much of you and knowing that the possibility of having to love her from afar may be made is gut-turning. There is no other way to describe it.
And this thought stays with you, pushed back in the deep and dark recesses of your mind, hiding. You have faith. You know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. BUT, you also recognize that it is the will of God that must be fulfilled and just because you desire something doesn’t necessarily mean it lines up with what God wills and desires for your life. That being said, I speak those things that are not as if they were.
I sincerely believe that Honeybee’s best interest lies with out family. The ones she calls Daddy and Mama (she finally says it to me 🙂 . This afternoon, Honeybee awoke with a fever. I suspect it’s a combination of the new tooth she is trying to cut and a cold she is fighting. When I touched her, I knew right away that she needed care, concern, and medication. I immediately took care of her, lowering her temperature, cuddling, loving. This is my daughter. This is what I do. She is currently resting well within her nursery.
I don’t know what is going to happen, but I do know I love my Honeybee and I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to be her mother. I am so looking forward to being her mother for a long, long, long, long time.