I’m not “fine”. I guess it’s time to admit it.

A few close friends and some not-so-close curious people have been asking what is going on with our Honeybee and her TPR situation as they know there has been recent activity on that front.  Several have hinted that they went to the blog awaiting a post and began to worry when they saw no information.  So, I started getting phone calls or desk visit pop-ups.  The close family members are always upfront and there is no small talk (love them for that lol).  They simply ask “so, what happened with Honeybee”.  The others who don’t necessarily want to come out and ask what’s going on always start with the customary question of “So, how are you doing”.  And, lately no matter how torn up I feel, no matter how frustrated, angry, confused, or scared, I say “I’m fine” and I try to change the subject.  It’s been tearing me up inside. 

Yesterday, I read a post by a fellow blogger whose subject was exactly the same thing.  How she and her husband are enduring some trials, how she as a mother and a wife is trying to be all things to everyone and how she recognized that when she was telling people that she was “fine”, that she was lying, and how she was reminded that lying is a sin.  Whoa.  Lying?

I’ve read that post over and over and over again.  I know what she is feeling.  I understand what she is going through, though I have to say that she is handling things much better than I.  Her relationship with Christ is truly inspiring.  I hadn’t thought about my telling people that I was “fine” was a lie.  I just don’t want to bother people or burden them.  I’m emotional by nature and I certainly don’t want to disintegrate into a “woe is me” child of God.  I mean, how is that supposed to help and encourage anyone.  [AND] Aren’t I supposed to walk through my trials and tribulations with my head held high knowing that God is sustaining me.  Aren’t I supposed to be an ambassador for Christ?  Who knows who is watching me and gaining encouragement and strength from my journey?  So, if I break down and tell someone other than Jesus what I’m really feeling, doesn’t that take away from my faith some kind of way? Sighhhhhhh.  The truth is, this is hard.

I’m worried.  I’m scared.  I am frustrated.  I keep trying to tell myself that everything is going to be okay, that Honeybee will be with us forever and we will continue to be an awesome and amazing family.  But what is God decides that’s not His will?  How am I supposed to open my arms and release my heart?  This sucks L.

Point blank is soon our Honeybee will celebrate a year of life.  It’s been an amazing year.  She’s experiencing and doing so much.  She’s happy and healthy.  She’s waving bye-bye and blowing kisses.  Her features are changing.  But her love is so pure and so perfect.  The way she lights up when we walk into the room to get her ready for the day.  The way she excitedly tries to launch herself out of our arms when she sees her grandmother.  I don’t want to think about her not having us and our not having her. 

So, what’s happening with Honeybee?  We’re waiting… again.  We’re continuing to love Honeybee, continuing to nurture her, continuing to provide for her for as long as we can, with the hope, desire, and prayer that it will be forever.  We’re planning family trips and activities and adventures and are going about life as normal, for as long as normal will allow us.

I’m currently planning a birthday party.  I am also looking forward to zoo trips and outdoor adventures as soon as this weather starts heating up.  I’m trying to go through life with a smile so that the “fine” I tell everyone I am truly exists.

Your prayers in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ are always appreciated.

-WinterMommy