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CIBH: Blockages in my prayer life

This post is a part of the Can I Be Honest (CIBH) collection.

I haven’t had an earnest conversation with God for a while now.  I’ve awakened in the morning and have thought my thanks for being allowed to see another day, but the prayer that came from my lips seemed automatic even to me.  I’ve blessed my food and have thanked Him for its availability.  I’ve even acknowledged within myself that is He who has kept me gainfully employed at my company in the midst of shockingly massive and debilitating layoffs.  But acknowledging in my head and heart and not actually speaking to God to acknowledge those things in conversation with Him hasn’t really been occurring.  I haven’t been able to get into a deep and earnest discussion with Him.

I’ve prayed for my daughter and implored God to allow us to keep her, raise her, and love her.  But I haven’t fallen to my knees or lain on my face in complete humility.  I know that it “doesn’t take all that” as some people say.  However, why wouldn’t I have such a strong and intimate prayer life with my Father and His Son that I would find perfect peace in being humble.  It’s bothering me.

I remember times in my life where I could talk to God all day long.  I would still do my work and those tasks that I needed to do, but even in doing so I would have conversations with God.  “Father, do you think I should do this today?”  “Father, I saw a beautiful dress in the window the other day.  It was so very beautiful.  I felt bad because it’s certainly not in my budget to purchase.  Then I started remembering that I haven’t purchased a new dress in years and started feeling worse.  Your Holy Spirit reminded me of all of the things that I have been able to do like purchase a home, go on trips, and help others and now I feel bad again.  Forgive me for the thoughts I had earlier and thank You for all the provisions you have made for my family and I.” (Just being transparent).  I loved talking to God.  I still do.  I believed I had a relationship.  I want it back.

Lately, I just haven’t wanted to have a conversation with God.  That’s awful because I know He yearns to hear from His children and I yearn to have a relationship with Him.  Quite honestly, I’ve just been in my mood of solitude.  I know better than anyone that I can’t run from God when I am in moments of despair or crisis.  A few months back, I remember sobbing out to Him in the office parking lot asking, no, begging him to “fix it”, to do something because I was incapable of doing so myself.  And He has answered.

This journey that my family is currently walking with regard to finalizing Honeybee’s adoption if crazy.  It has taken all kinds of twists and turns and I am convinced that God is allowing me to go through it for a purpose.  There is a genuine reason for it.  I believe that at the end of this journey, God will have done exactly what I asked of Him, if it is in His will.  But, I just haven’t been able to communicate that to him in my actual prayers.  I’ve been…blocked.  Sigh…

Someone once told me that my conversation with God doesn’t have to be verbal.  I agree.  But I also feel like just because I think something doesn’t mean that I am having an intimate conversation with God.  I can’t think that I want my husband to hold me, and not say anything aloud to him, and then be upset if he doesn’t do so.  There is a need for communication, a need for conversation.  The same holds true in my prayer life.

I plan on taking some time very soon to just sit and talk with God, not just talk with God, but listen.  I want to hear what He has to say.  I want to know what He wants me to do.  When I do that, I look forward to the conversation we shall have and the lessons I shall glean from it.

Have a very good evening.


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