Since starting this TTC journey, I have found so much comfort in the shared stories of other families walking the same path. Some, like me, are facing secondary infertility. The unexpected difficulty in conceiving hit hard and the perceived slight that some in the community offer as if secondary infertility isn’t “real” infertility has been a shared sentiment. In other cases, also like mine, the culprit seem seems to lie with the males. Test results showed abnormal counts, abnormal shapes, or abnormal movement. Then there were PCOS cases, unexplained fertility cases, endometriosis cases, and so many more.
Somewhere in all of the diagnoses and all of the treatments, this secret society was born. #TTC or trying to conceive sisters were born. Women who knew the struggle of daily blood draws and hormone injections. Women who fought the battle of baby envy and baby-related event withdrawal. They just didn’t speak to each other. The kept their stories to themselves. Sometimes it was a feeling of shame, of failure. Sometimes it was a perception of embarrassment. Whatever the reason, it was a silent cry that repeated itself over and over again. But that’s starting to change.
A couple of days ago, a beautiful woman whom I have never met shared a video on her social media account of another beautiful woman who was also trying to conceive. This woman had a strong following in the social media world. Her grace and character was felt in every post. But this post was different. This post was a letter of pure, open, raw, and unadulterated honesty. It spoke of her pain and journey with infertility. Her emotions. Her pain. She was effectively “coming out”. More than that, she was becoming a beacon of light for so many.
That woman will never know how many lives she has impacted by being open, honest, and transparent. She will never know how many people are so appreciative for her stepping into the public eye and sharing something that so many others think should remain private. This woman spoke eloquently of her experiences with infertility and I am so glad she did.
I knew she understood. I knew she wouldn’t judge me for crying at a pregnant belly or sobbing in the shower after multiple pregnancy announcements. I knew she wouldn’t give me a side eye for peeing on multiple sticks on multiple days. She would understand.
That’s one of the reasons I started writing this blog. I wanted to do something similar. I wanted people who have the desire to read to know that they are no alone. Someone else is with them, supporting them, hoping for them. Someone else cares.
And today I need the support of the #TTC community more than ever. Today, S. and I have had to face the sobering reality that an IVF is not financially feasible at this time. A recent company acquisition by a new buyer has found my husband and his department without employment. He’s been there for over 8 years and has made some very close friendships. A testament to his heart, he is more worried about his colleagues than himself. Of course the timing sucks.
We were looking into financing options for the IVF as other options were exhausted. Unfortunately, without employment, everything must stop even though I am still gainfully employed and there are other sources of income available. So, I have to call the RE on Monday to cancel our upcoming appointment unless something changes between now and next month.
We won’t stop trying to conceive. Never that. But, at least for now, we’ll continue trying to do things the old-fashioned way.
Have a great evening.
-K
