I received the call from my nurse. She didn’t even have to say anything. It was all in her voice. It was negative. Why does that word hurt so freaking much? Negative. You know, the Christian in me knows that my will isn’t always going to line up to God’s timing. I know that I’m simply going to have to accept that it wasn’t time. That doesn’t stop me from hurting right now. I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. I’m so emotional.
And on top of that, the MOMENT she said negative my cramps kicked into overtime as if they were announcing that my cycle has ALWAYS been ready to go; I was just fooling myself to think otherwise. I…am..so..hurt. I haven’t even told S. yet. I don’t want to tell him that over the phone. I’m at work another few hours at least before I can go home AND I have class tonight. Who the blood clot wants to go to class after that? But I have to because I have finals. Ugh….And there is no one I can talk to, no one I cry on because as wonderful as S. is, he’s going to hold it in. That’s him. And none of our friends know we’re undergoing this procedure. Nor does our family. So, I get to stand beside my beautiful loved ones with their burgeoning bellies and deal. I feel like I shouldn’t be hurt. I feel like I’m being ungrateful because God has granted us two children. But…still….
I don’t need to write a long prose or long drawn out letter. The test came back and it’s negative. Let the eating of carbs and sweets begin.
Having had a bit of time to process the events of today, I still find that I’m hurt and disappointed. I’m just thankful that S. is the man that he is. We simply started discussing what our next steps would be. We don’t know yet. We know that we have dialed our RE nurse and will be discussing IVF as an option tomorrow. That’s so much more expensive that we even want to consider right now, but we have to try. I just pray it works, whatever it is.