It’s been a few days since I’ve written. I’ve had a few emotions to get through. I don’t know if it’s hormonal residuals or cycle induced extra, but whatever it is; it’s driving me crazy. I read a infertility related post recently that said every failed infertility attempt was like getting through the grieving process all over again. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve been grieving.
After I took the HPT for my first IUI and received the negative result, I already told myself that it wasn’t really negative. It was just too soon. I rationalize. I convinced myself that I should have taken the test with morning urine and not afternoon. I had a thousand excuses. Then, I quickly went to anger…and on to bargaining..and then the depression. I’ve managed to go full cycle with accepting that IUI#1 was a failure. What I was not expecting was the wave of emotions that followed.
This past weekend, my family and I attended a work function. It was a very nice event, well catered, well entertained, and very enjoyable. When I walked in, I was introduced to a young woman who was very pregnant. I felt giddy. Seriously, I can’t explain that one. I was so immensely happy for this woman whom I’d never met before. She and her husband explained that they were having child number three. I remember just feeling really excited for this family, and that was just odd for me because I am not one to randomly cheese (smile) and go haywire. Nor am I one to get extremely excited over strangers with burgeoning bellies.
Fast forward to today and my emotions were all over the place. I woke up and didn’t want to go into the office. I didn’t want to deal with anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I knew my cycle was still on, but it was just about over (TMI). So my hormones should not be this bad, but they are. I got to work this morning to emails that just sent me in a sour mood. I went to a meeting that I was not scheduled to attend where I was designated to complete a task I wasn’t scheduled to complete.
When I went home, I was well aware that my mood was not exactly the best. I was frustrated and short-tempered…unintentionally so. My son said “Mommy, you’re cranky. You sound frustrated”. That made me feel like the worst person in the world because I never want anyone in my family to feel like they are a bother or frustration to me, especially not my little ones. Then S. called with a needed “favor” and I ended up needing to leave the house to run an errand when I was limited on time. I finally got everything done I was trying to do and made it back to the house only to leave immediately thereafter for choir rehearsal.
It was when I got to choir rehearsal that things took a crazy turn. While in the middle of rehearsing a song, in walked one of my girlfriends with her beautiful pregnant belly that had to have grown by leaps and bounds this week. In she walked and the moment I saw her belly, tears started falling. I mean lots of tears and sobs and I was a mess. We were fortunately in a song of worship so I was able to stop and get myself together, but oh my goodness. What in the world is going on?!
I don’t know if anyone else has experienced a crazy overboard of emotions after a medicated fertility cycle, but I have to admit, I’m not looking forward to what IVF #1 will bring if IUI#1 cooked this up.
Oh. my. goodness.
Have a great night.
-K.
