Have you ever had a moment where you felt total shame? A moment where you felt less than proud of yourself. That was me today. It was self-shame. Shame of my negative thoughts. Shame of my pity party. Shame in just not being the strong woman I know I can be and am. Shame in the assumption that no one else can truly know or understand this secondary infertility journey.
I’d just logged on to social media and saw a work friend of mine tagged in the post of a mutual colleague. The colleague is one who recently announced her pregnancy at work. She is where, at the announcement, I felt the usual myriad of emotions. I was thrilled for her and her husband. I was so excited for her news. However, once again, I found myself a bit sad that I wasn’t sharing conception news of my own.
That being said this colleague is a wonderful young lady and I find myself stopping by her desk just to check on her. Well, this same colleague’s social media post announced that her doctor was placing her on immediate bed rest until the baby is born. She isn’t due until May. I was shocked. She looked fine at work on yesterday. Somehow between there and today she was placed on bed rest and I was worried for her. I remembered experiencing that for a mere 48 hours with my son when my feet swelled to the size of large balloons. The anxiety was nerve-wrecking. I could only imagine what she was feeling now.
Because her page was semi-open, I was able to see some of the former postings shared on her page. I saw a picture of her first child, pictures of she and her husband, pictures of her family, and then there was a small post. There was a banner that was placed on her social media account that honored and recognized a well known Infertility group. As I read over the post, I realized that her struggle has been and is mine. She has struggled with infertility. She struggled to conceived. She has shed tears over one lined pee sticks and has prayed for intercession when her body wouldn’t cooperate. She kept it quiet. She didn’t share. She understood. And she was blessed with another miracle.
I poured over that post and felt pure shame. Here I was moping around internally about cycles and pregnancy announcements and feeling woe for me sad and life just reminded me that it’s not all about me. Wow…
So, after logging off the account, I sat down and thought about her for a long while. I said a prayer for her and her family and her pregnancy. Fortunately, her post makes it appear that she is in a rather jovial and peaceful mood. I plan to email her tomorrow and let her know that she is being thought of.
As for tonight, I am going to sit down and remind myself of all of the great and wonderful things that exist in my life–from my family, to my life, to being loved, to being blessed with wonderful children. And all that woe is me stuff I’ve been exhaling over the past few weeks stops tonight.
-K