I’m Out

There is such a general disappointment after seeing a BFN on a pregnancy test after you are so very certain that you could have conceived this month. The tweakers on the #TTC sites may pull a faint line here or a possible there. You spend countless hours (and data space) snapping photos of your own tests to manipulate, zoom in, squint at, and so on. You start looking at due date calendars and possible pregnancy symptoms on Google. You wonder if this symptom that you didn’t have last month could be a symptom that really means implantation and pregnancy this month. You hope against hope. You pray against prayer. You even quote the “I’m not out until AF shows” to yourself willing conception to occur. And then, quite suddenly sometimes, it’s over. You’re back at CD 1. The cramps of defeat your only company. The bloating and release of unused lining your proof of misery. And you mourn…all over again. You agonize over the loss of yet another month. You realize that you are one month older in the conception timeline and close to one year older in the maternal age category. You feel sad. You feel damaged. You feel inferior. All because you’re out.

So, I’ll try again. But I’m not sure I want to. It’s hard. Grieving the loss every month. The emotion is raw. You find your sanity tested. You find your faith tested. Yeah. You find your faith tested. There is never any point in getting mad at God. He has his reasons. Maybe it isn’t time. Maybe there is something else you need to focus on first. Maybe, it isn’t His desire for you to be a mother yet…or at all. That sounds horrible and you find yourself feeling guilty for thinking it and for your anger. But it’s there and it’s palpable, and can’t be ignored. You want to be a mother, again. You hear those who say at least you have children. They are right. You do. And love them more than life. But you know that you have the heart and capacity for many, many more. You have already adopted. You aren’t against doing it again, desire to even, but you want your husband’s blood line to be represented as well and you realize that maybe that just isn’t going to happen. And…you’re out.

It’s CD1 and I’m writing another post about how this month wasn’t the month. I’m looking at yet another article on fertility diets and viewing yet another vlog about what they did to get pregnant this time. Maybe I’ll try the maca root this time. Maybe acupuncture. Maybe I should get the Fertilease for my husband. Maybe I should get the female version for myself. And sure enough I hear that small voice that says “Maybe you should just give up”…and I want to. But I can’t. Because I want this more than anything. But I know that I’ll be 36 next month and my egg count is depleting and no one knows the quality. And so, I move forward…again.

It’s Cycle Day 1 and I’m out…

-K