emotions infertility relationship ttc

The Real

Hello everyone. I’m back again on cycle day 4. I was pretty bummed about Aunt Flo’s visit this time even though I knew it was a serious possibility. I have never had a cycle run as late as this one did and I was pretty annoyed by it, but it is what it is. This cycle has been pretty tame in comparison to others I’ve had. Still crampy and light to medium flow, but I am okay with it.

S. and I had a quick conversation yesterday about a longer conversation we need to have tonight. S. thinks it is time we go forward with attempting to lock on IVF financing. I would love to, but I think there are some other conversations we need to have first. As some of our #ttcsisters and #ttcmisters have shared in our beautiful #ttccommunity, trying to conceive can certainly take a toll on relationships. The fun and spontaneity of being intimate with your spouse or loved one becomes replaced with timed intercourse, basal temping, cervical mucus tracking, ovulation calendars, and more medical professionals than at a medical school. It can get overwhelming. Combine that with a cyclic interaction of grief every time a pregnancy test reveals a #BFN and it can be a bit much.

My husband and I both love each other very much. There isn’t a doubt in my mind of this. We are both also devoted to God’s path for us and our marriage, but we need to reconnect. We need more than to reconnect. We need to focus and build from scratch. I’ve recently felt like I’m pushing so hard to give him the experience of being a father from conception that I’m negating the experience of fatherhood he has received through interactions with our other two children. While he has been an active part of our son’s life since he was two (child from a previous relationship), I felt he missed out on the phase of newborn to one. While he has been there since the early weeks of our daughter’s placement with us to her bubbly toddler self today, I felt that he was robbed of pregnancy. That wasn’t or isn’t my assumption to make.

The truth is we love our family and every experience in it. We love being parents and we would love to be parents to more children one day. But, recently, in the space of trying and miscommunication to no communication, it’s been admittedly difficult. It is my personal belief that we need to stop for a while. We need to spend some time being S. and K. We need to spend some time being husband and wife. We need to spend some time being friends. Our being mommy and daddy will be even more enhanced just by that.

Admittedly, this conversation will be a hard one.  But it’s needed.  I can’t remember the last time things just flowed.  Everything seems to be strained and while that is part of any relationship, communicating is core to making it work.  Painful or not.  So, I’m praying God’s grace and peace over our future conversations and decisions.

Anyone else getting back to basics before continuing on your journey?

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