I spend quite a bit of free time on my social media pages, especially my #TTC Instagram profile. I like to scroll through the news feed and celebrate all of the good news and offer comfort and prayers where I can for the not so good news. I love seeing names change to reflect pregnancies and positive changes. I like seeing the bio portion of profiles with “#BFP” and positive signs. Some change them after positive betas, others change them after that line on the pregnancy test. Me? I haven’t changed anything yet. I actually think I might have confused a couple of new followers as my bio states I’m still going through IVF/ICSI right now. That’s kind of true. But I am out of the TWW wait and confirmation has been given that betas are rising. I could update to a BFP. But…I can’t, at least not right now.
I need to see him, her…them…our baby(ies). I need to know that there are heartbeats and that they are measuring okay. I need to know that everything is snuggled in and content and happy. I feel awful even typing it because I know that faith is not in sight. It’s the substance of things hoped for. It is the evidence of things not seen. I feel like Thomas doubting the wonderful news of Christ’s resurrection. I get it’s not quite that serious, but you can see the comparison. I feel like God has gifted us with this great blessing and I am not yet able to completely enjoy it.
Every time I wake up without a cramp or a wave of nausea, I worry. Then I pray. And God, in His grace, is usually kind enough to send assurance that I am still carrying a while later .(Thank you, Father.) Yesterday, we received our third beta and it rose significantly from beta #2, but it didn’t double and I was worried. Then the nurse told me that I shouldn’t worry because the increase is so significant and they don’t care about the doubling more than the increase. I still called my sister-friend though (who has been through IVF herself).
She reminded me that I need to treat this pregnancy as a first. It doesn’t matter that I had a pregnancy a decade ago. Everything here is new. This is my first assisted fertility pregnancy. There are new things that I don’t understand. Medicines I didn’t have to take during my first pregnancy I take this time. There are new tests, experiences, etc. She encouraged me to embrace this pregnancy as a first time experience with the added benefit of having experienced some of this before. Read my pregnancy books and blogs. Be cautious. It was great advice.
Today, I continue to move forward. S. and I called the RE office to schedule our first OB Ultrasound. We’re scheduled for Wednesday morning at 9AM. Our doctor will be out of the office next week, but the other doctor will be in. We’ll get to see what God has decided to do.
We have also decided that if all goes well, we will tell our parents after the ultrasound. I’m praying for good news. We appreciate them all very much!
I will write you all again soon.
-K
