This week has been interesting for sure. Blame it on work stress or hormones, but I’ve been really dealing with some unique experiences. A couple of weeks ago, while celebrating our wedding anniversary, the app alarm went off on my cell phone. I hadn’t thought anything of the alarm tone, but when I checked it, my countenance fell.
The alarm was reminding me that our anniversary weekend just so happened to be my fertile week. I sat there remembering how I used to email or communicate this information to my husband for years, literal years, as we walked in our infertility journey. I remembered the day the doctor told my husband and I that the chances of our conceiving a child together without medical intervention would be slim to none. I remembered all of the tests and false alarms and prayers and hopes only to see single lines on pregnancy tests.
When, we received our BFP with our daughter, I never even took a test. I was too afraid to see what that would look like in case it was no longer there the next day. So, I went through the entire pregnancy never having seen double lines on a plastic cartridge. Now, here was with all of those memories feeling a yearning I thought had escaped me.
Recently, S. and I have had discussions about increasing our family again. We have been leaning towards adoption and I’m looking forward to seeing what God has to say about that. But I’ve also been secretly hoping that maybe one day S. and I will be able to conceive a child without assistance.
For the past few months, I’ve felt the familiar sadness when I visit a bathroom and see the reminder that I am not pregnant. I feel the same disappointment of hoping I don’t see a telltale sign of my impending visitor. I’m so thankful for the children God has granted us to have. I’d be lying, however, if I didn’t mention that I have not won my war with infertility. I merely won a battle.
This week, I have faced the cramps and hormones associated with menses. I’ve been reminded that while S. and I were blessed to win a battle, the war of infertility in our life still remains. But that’s more than okay. We’re going to make it and continue to celebrate with our family and friends as we go forward…not discouraged..but based in realism–because you never really beat infertility.
-K
