Today is a blessed day. All days are, but today is my 42nd birthday. I am grateful, happy, and filled with joy at being allowed to see this day. There are a host of friends and family who didn’t get to see this day, and I don’t take it for granted.
I’m flipping the script. I can’t keep losing me for the sake of every one else and their comfort…One day, it’s going to be my husband and I. I want to make sure that the person who remains is someone I’m proud of and am in love with.
That last night at 41
Last night, I took some time and thought about who I am in my life and who I would like to be. I think of all the miracles and favor that God has placed in my life and I am eternally grateful. I have five beautiful children, a marriage that I love (even in the stressful times), and a safe and comfortable place for us all to lay our heads in the evening. GOD IS TRULY A GOOD GOD.
Still, I recognize that the past few months, I have struggled with resentment and mental anxiety. I’ve not been the person I desire to be. I have found myself going to bed and waking up with an emptiness that is palpable. Medicines and movement don’t and haven’t fixed it. For the life of me, praying about it for myself seems to be impossible. Praying for myself is ALWAYS difficult for me. And yet, as I lay in my bed last night, thinking of 42, I realized that it’s okay for me to love and cater to me.
The decision
Last night, I decided that it’s okay to take a stand to fall in love with me and focus on some of my needs and wants as well. This isn’t to be selfish. But how many times have we sacrificed our desires to be the “hero” for school functions, marriage needs, household needs while ignoring the voice that begs for a little time to reflect, to think, to live.
So…I’m flipping the script. I can’t keep losing me for the sake of every one else and their comfort. As lovely and large as our brood is, one day, it’s going to be my husband and I. I want to make sure that the person who remains is someone I’m proud of and am in love with. It’s kind of hard having someone love you when you aren’t quite sure you are in love with yourself…or know who you are exactly.
That person evolves, you know. I’m definitely not the same person I was at 30 or even 36. I’ve learned. I’ve lost. I’ve gained. And it’s the gains that I am focusing on for year 42 and beyond.
“I’m seeking to do and become all the things that will make me a better me–wife, mom, sister, friend, and ME. I’m visiting the museum. I’m taking the classes. I’m scheduling the lunch and dinner. And it you’re on the ride with me, then hang on because when 50 hits, I want to look back at this day as the beginning–the one that started it all.
Today is the one that starts it all
I’m welcoming 42 with all the love and fierceness that I desire. I’m embracing the power that exists within me. I’m following the calling that God is placing on my life and embracing the call to LOVE ME. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I’m cleaning house because it’s necessary. I have little eyes watching and beyond that, I’m watching. I’m paving for the woman I want to be at 50, at 52. I’m seeking to do and become all the things that will make me a better me–wife, mom, sister, friend, and ME. I’m visiting the museum. I’m taking the classes. I’m scheduling the lunch and dinner. And it you’re on the ride with me, then hang on because when 50 hits, I want to look back at this day as the beginning–the one that started it all. Because honeys, you haven’t seen ANYTHING yet!
Cheers to 42!
Let me go sashay my happy hips over for some birthday freebies and complete my birthday bucket list! We’re going to do great things this year! Let’s make some noise and release some chains while we do so!
-K
